“Am I Good Enough?”
The question I ask myself a lot. Before I was even a professed believer I felt like I was good enough but continually came back to this question. My parents approved of whatever I did, people generally thought I was a good guy. Heck, even now I do not think that there is any one that legitimately dislikes me as a person really. What happens when a person like that comes face to face with a perfect God? What happens when their good enough is nothing in comparison of God’s perfect will?
Apparently I am not the only one struggling, as I read I’m Not Okay, mirroring some thoughts I’ve had thinking through this. This is a struggling reality when coming to know Christ because I can read scripture like this,
“All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away” -Isaiah 64:6″
…or today when I was sitting in Adults Sunday School we read over Romans 3. The last time I gave my testimony in front of high schoolers even a fellow youth leader felt like my story was that “I was never good enough.” My testimony includes the failure of Christian relationship because of lust. That failure turning into me running away from God because he didn’t bless my attempts with a Christian Gal. It took me away from the church to another state to live with a non-believer living in sin till that ultimately fails. I returned to church. Even the most recent dating attempt failing because I wanted to spend too much time in ministry.
My testimony brings me to this point. I served for a good portion of my time after I returned to church to become “good enough” again. Yet now is when I finally noticed that I am still frantically trying to be “good enough” when Christ has already shown me I clearly am not.
I deal with a lot of self-condemnation because I know these things and feel that the weight of my sins affect those around me. I am someone who takes guilt to a different level; I’ve been told to not be so hard on myself. This is near impossible because if I am to take light of my sins then how can I ever hope to be good enough to serve God.
My pastor even said I go in this cycle of doing well and then wanting to back out of everything because of this tension. This tension built as I practiced my preaching for this upcoming week at CRAVE on Nehemiah 4 of facing opposition. Hear this?
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH
…to be a youth leader, speaker, boyfriend, husband, friend, person, believer, teacher, student, or me… but God says so much more
… but God’s grace and mercy says I should not be like this. Could it be answered by praying harder? Yet I have recognized my need for my savior more in these statements. Is it answered by knowing I profess Jesus as my savior? Yet I know that I am still responsible to give an account.